I experience my first sense of real adult depression the other night. It was quite a remarkable feeling. I’ve only ever experienced depression as loneliness from heartbreak, but this was something else, something way more intense. This kind of depression comes whilst on the brink of adulthood, and I imagine for some people, the rest of their lives.
After finishing work, I went to a hot pilates class. I bought a one month trial pack so I’m trying a couple of different classes. As a lover of reformer pilates, this hot pilates was a joke. See, I’ve done one hot yoga class and it was okay, but this hot pilates class was not worth the time, money or effort. They turned off the heat after about ten minutes, put the fans on, and guided us through very basic stretches. The end of the class consisted of ten minutes of “meditation” which was literally just laying on your back in quiet. I could have done it all myself at home. Thoroughly disappointed, I headed home after class feeling flat.
The house was pitch black, my roommate and her Mom were out for dinner for her sister’s birthday. I came inside, had a shower then heated up one of the YouFoodz meals I’d purchased for the week. I generally love doing all my own cooking, but with the hours I’d be working lately I just hadn’t had the time. This was my first time trying YouFoodz, and don’t get me wrong, they’re pretty delicious and super convenient, but there’s something unbelievably sad about sitting alone in your bed in front of the TV, pealing back the seal and eating out of a hot plastic container. I sat there, by myself, in front of the TV, fork halfway to my mouth thinking…Is this it for the rest of my life? Got the full time job, living out of home, got the guy…what else is there to look forward to? I’ll spend all my time working in an attempt to save so I can travel, maybe have a couple of kids, and that’s it.
Being depressed at Uni, or about a boy is one thing. But at least there’s always something to look forward too. A deep sense of melancholy washed over me and I started to wonder if I’m really happy with the path I’m on. I guess I’ve got a lot more thinking and planning to do.
The sense of impending doom that comes with adulthood is indescribable. I can understand why people who spend decades of their life working in an office jump off the top of a building one day. I guess a lot of people will argue that I’m too young to feel this way. But it’s how I feel.
I’d like to build myself something more. Work my own hours. Be passionate. Not have to deal with slightly superior floor managers trying to tell me my shoes are incorrect for working on the floor despite my employment as an office staff member. Sick of tedious high school bullshit that seems to be evident in all workplaces.
I just wanna write, travel, cook and paint. My mind is too logical and analytical to pursue my artsy dreams though. Maybe one day I’ll gain the courage.